• Tag Archives Me
  • Random internal reflections

    I know I promised you more of the story, however this seemed more important and pertinent to the season.

    sunrise-1400639_640Random internal reflections

    I have times of perfect clarity, but most of the time I am as lost as everyone else in the day-to-day affairs of us mortals. I have been silent for a while because I have been going through some shit, so I have been documenting some random internal reflections.

    Killing, dying, hating…all those things are easy.

    Living, loving, forgiving, moving on and moving past…those things are difficult, sometimes they are damn near impossible.

    It is easier to turn off than to stay turned on and feel the pain and sorrow.

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    The strong person is not the one that is stoic, has their emotions under tight control and never shows them. The strong person is the one that feels the heart-break and devastation and puts themselves back out there, risking it all again in the name of love, friendship and camaraderie.

     

    Where I’m at:

    A friend of mine died earlier this year and my father died a few weeks ago. It makes me sad that they both past while I felt like a stranger to them or them to me.

    Sad, but not overly upset or distraught and THAT got me to thinking…

    Why isn’t it upsetting me?

    Why do I only feel a little sad about their passing?

    It has taken me a while, but I think I have figured it out.

    My passion is gone and it has been missing for quite some time.

    My anger and rage have gotten me into more trouble than everything else in my life put together, so I learned to control it and eventually got rid of it almost completely. What I did not realize was the cost of doing that.

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    Getting rid of my anger cost me all of my passion in all things. I used to try to right the wrongs wherever I saw them and rage against injustice now, I shake my head and wonder what is wrong with the world and what anyone can do about it. I don’t care enough to do anything about it myself anymore and while I will talk about it to people, it is with the same zeal one discusses the weather.

    Anger was the last public emotion I allowed myself now, that is gone as well. I don’t know if I can get any of it back or if I should even try. Who cares anyhow? You all have your lives, I am simply a curious footnote in them now.


  • A Proper Introduction

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    A Proper Introduction:

    Looking at my previous posts and this site, I realize I have not properly introduced myself, so this is your proper introduction to N. Larl. Yes, I have told you some things about me, without telling you why I may seem familiar to you.

    I had to change my online name and my website due to copyright infringements. I would rather not be sued for “stealing” even if I have been known under the name for many, many years. They do not care about those things, only which of us got to the copyright office first.

    I used to role-play on many unofficial UO shards. I have always had a multitude of characters on any shard I played on, but the one I thought of as home, was “The Genesis Shard”. Most there knew me as either Andromeda or Rommie and this is the avatar I used:

    Andromeda

    I am sure some of you just left and cancelled your subscription to this blog. Good for you, way to hold a grudge. Have a wonderful, happy life (No sarcasm intended). For those of you still with me, “Hi!” It has been a while, I am glad to see you are still alive and kicking.

    For those that may not believe it is really me, I will follow this post with one of the stories I had posted on Andromeda’s blog.

    Unrelated yet Relevant:

    Completely unrelated to my identity, a few issues were brought to my attention. The inability to reply or comment on any of my posts being the most pressing. After experimenting for a while, we figured out it can be done two different ways:

    1) Log into your WordPress account, if you have one and then you can comment/reply.

    2) At the bottom of the blog post page, it says something like “You have to be logged in to reply” the word “logged” is actually a link to create an account.

    a) After creating this account, you still cannot log in because you have no password. You have to change your password so you will actually have one.

    b) Once you do all of these things, then you can finally comment/reply to a post.

    Thank you Moon Kitty for helping me figure all of this out. I am not sure why it is doing this, however we are working on it and hope to have it figured out soon.

     


  • Personal Growth & Changes

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    New for me

    Anyone that knows me, knows that I am always reading, studying and learning new things. This has led to personal growth & changes in me as well as my writing. I will not bore you with all the gory details of this process, unless you request them. Just a few of those responsible for my insights are: Jeff Goins, Bryan Hutchinson as well as J.E. & M. Keep

    The Old

    I have read through my old blog posts. To be honest, they are beyond boring. I found myself not really caring about what I wrote. That is sad and I am sorry if I bored you. Let me rephrase. I care about the things I have blogged about thus far. I simply find it ho-hum in a world filled with millions of such posts.

    The New

    I love to write. If I do not write every day, I feel off, wrong, cranky and not myself. I need it almost as much as I need the air I breathe. Since I need to write, isn’t that what my blog should be? Me writing? From now on, that is what you’re going to get, my writing. You may or may not like it, which is great. Either way it will be more real and more me.

    After today, I promise you will not get boring commentary on current issues, political views or any of the other millions of things like these that flood the internet. You will get one more of them today since it is already scheduled. After that, you will get my writing and things directly related to my writing.

    The new also means that when the mood strikes me, there will be adult content here. You have been warned.


  • Guilt

    tree-738816_640Guilt:

    Guilt is the thing that holds me back the most. I’m not talking about religious guilt, although some days it does play its part in my world. I’m talking about the guilt I feel when I write instead of doing things with family or friends. The guilt of sitting here writing instead of doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom or any of a million household chores I think I should be doing.

    Every day:

    I feel guilty for not role-playing with my friends the way I used to.

    Guilt plagues me when my better half is out working his tail off while I sit here and write.

    People I used to talk to every day I now only talk to a few times a year, MAJOR guilt there.

    Family has drifted away and apart leaving me to feel guilty for not taking more time to nurture those relationships.

    A Real Life Story:

    To help you understand the level of my guilt, let me share a story with you.

    I took the kids shopping for some much-needed shoes (a never-ending expense for most parents). They were having a wonderful sale, so I bought myself a pair of boots while I was there. I did not need them, but fell in love with them. With the sale, they cost me a whopping $9.00. Not a lot and we could afford it at the time.

    The guilt of buying something I did not absolutely NEED, began almost the instant I walked out of the store. What was I thinking? Why did I buy them? I did not need them. That $9.00 could have gone for something we needed, like clothes for the kids or food even. I beat myself up for years over those boots, until the day they finally were torn up beyond repair some 10 years later.

    The total investment in those boots was less than $1.00 a year and yet that guilt never lessened over buying them when I did not NEED them.

    The Solution:

    I do not have a solution for this particular problem. Yes, I have tried telling myself I have nothing to feel guilty about. Usually I do not, however that does not lessen it any. Those closest to me tell me they do not feel neglected, and yet I feel as if I am neglecting them. My feelings do not necessarily have anything to do with the reality of the situation. Feelings are there, and for the most part, there is little we can do about feelings of guilt. Perhaps I should become a narcissist, then I would not feel guilty about anything, ever… Nah, not my style.

    I will continue to muddle through and do my best assuage my feelings of guilt, so that I can keep writing my books and to you here on my blog, my loyal readers as often as possible.