I know I promised you more of the story, however this seemed more important and pertinent to the season.
Random internal reflections
I have times of perfect clarity, but most of the time I am as lost as everyone else in the day-to-day affairs of us mortals. I have been silent for a while because I have been going through some shit, so I have been documenting some random internal reflections.
Killing, dying, hating…all those things are easy.
Living, loving, forgiving, moving on and moving past…those things are difficult, sometimes they are damn near impossible.
It is easier to turn off than to stay turned on and feel the pain and sorrow.
The strong person is not the one that is stoic, has their emotions under tight control and never shows them. The strong person is the one that feels the heart-break and devastation and puts themselves back out there, risking it all again in the name of love, friendship and camaraderie.
Where I’m at:
A friend of mine died earlier this year and my father died a few weeks ago. It makes me sad that they both past while I felt like a stranger to them or them to me.
Sad, but not overly upset or distraught and THAT got me to thinking…
Why isn’t it upsetting me?
Why do I only feel a little sad about their passing?
It has taken me a while, but I think I have figured it out.
My passion is gone and it has been missing for quite some time.
My anger and rage have gotten me into more trouble than everything else in my life put together, so I learned to control it and eventually got rid of it almost completely. What I did not realize was the cost of doing that.
Getting rid of my anger cost me all of my passion in all things. I used to try to right the wrongs wherever I saw them and rage against injustice now, I shake my head and wonder what is wrong with the world and what anyone can do about it. I don’t care enough to do anything about it myself anymore and while I will talk about it to people, it is with the same zeal one discusses the weather.
Anger was the last public emotion I allowed myself now, that is gone as well. I don’t know if I can get any of it back or if I should even try. Who cares anyhow? You all have your lives, I am simply a curious footnote in them now.