Guilt

tree-738816_640Guilt:

Guilt is the thing that holds me back the most. I’m not talking about religious guilt, although some days it does play its part in my world. I’m talking about the guilt I feel when I write instead of doing things with family or friends. The guilt of sitting here writing instead of doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom or any of a million household chores I think I should be doing.

Every day:

I feel guilty for not role-playing with my friends the way I used to.

Guilt plagues me when my better half is out working his tail off while I sit here and write.

People I used to talk to every day I now only talk to a few times a year, MAJOR guilt there.

Family has drifted away and apart leaving me to feel guilty for not taking more time to nurture those relationships.

A Real Life Story:

To help you understand the level of my guilt, let me share a story with you.

I took the kids shopping for some much-needed shoes (a never-ending expense for most parents). They were having a wonderful sale, so I bought myself a pair of boots while I was there. I did not need them, but fell in love with them. With the sale, they cost me a whopping $9.00. Not a lot and we could afford it at the time.

The guilt of buying something I did not absolutely NEED, began almost the instant I walked out of the store. What was I thinking? Why did I buy them? I did not need them. That $9.00 could have gone for something we needed, like clothes for the kids or food even. I beat myself up for years over those boots, until the day they finally were torn up beyond repair some 10 years later.

The total investment in those boots was less than $1.00 a year and yet that guilt never lessened over buying them when I did not NEED them.

The Solution:

I do not have a solution for this particular problem. Yes, I have tried telling myself I have nothing to feel guilty about. Usually I do not, however that does not lessen it any. Those closest to me tell me they do not feel neglected, and yet I feel as if I am neglecting them. My feelings do not necessarily have anything to do with the reality of the situation. Feelings are there, and for the most part, there is little we can do about feelings of guilt. Perhaps I should become a narcissist, then I would not feel guilty about anything, ever… Nah, not my style.

I will continue to muddle through and do my best assuage my feelings of guilt, so that I can keep writing my books and to you here on my blog, my loyal readers as often as possible.